Abiding

   It's been awhile since I've posted anything. It's not that I haven't learned anything. It's that I'm stubborn and feel like the things I learn are maybe more just for me and no one else needs to know about them. Maybe other people don't think like me. Maybe other people have it all together more than I do. But God has been doing some big things in my faith walk lately...more specifically, in the past several days.

 
The past few days, I've felt like everyone or everything I prayed for got worse rather than better. I prayed for relationships of people around me but they seemed to disintegrate more, I prayed for healing for my daughter and she ended up in the hospital, I prayed for financial provision for people in need and they seemed to have even less, I prayed for more rest and went sleepless nights, I prayed for health for my husband and he developed one of the worst head colds he's had in a long time...I found myself certain that God didn't exist.

   Or did I even believe He actually existed? For a short time, I can honestly tell you I thought everything I had ever believed about God was a big lie. I verbally asked God why He created me just to sit and laugh at my frustration. (Yes, I thought God was a lie but I still found myself praying. I'm not saying I was at all rational in those moments!) I asked God to show me if He was actually there.

   And then God showed up! You see, all those lies that filled my head were from satan. He hates God's children He hates people who have faith. He hates people who pray. Why is it so easy to believe the lies of satan yet so hard to believe the truths of God? (If I'm the only one that feels that way, you can stop reading. You apparently have it all together.)

   Still here? Good! Let's continue. I continued to find myself praying, not fully convinced God exists, still feeling like He had no clue I was even there. But there was that part of me that knew that was my only hope. I remember a former pastor who used to say, "I'd rather live my life believing that there is a God and find out I was wrong than live my life believing there is no God and finding out there is!"

   So I prayed. I prayed for healing of relationships, I prayed for healing for my daughter, I prayed for financial provision, I prayed for rest, I prayed for my husband to be healthy. Relationships started to improve, my daughter got better and I was able to bring her home from the hospital, finances have been improving for many, I've gotten some rest (although not much because I had a newborn here for a few days) and while my husband hasn't gotten better, he doesn't seem to be getting worse.

   This morning, I let satan try to convince me to stay home from church. After all, I was very tired. Staying home one Sunday wouldn't be bad. I was ready to throw in the towel and stay home. But my daughter encouraged me to go. So, reluctantly I got my granddaughter and I dressed for church (matching outfits, no less!) and went to church.

   A friend needed encouragement that I was able to give. She may not have gotten that if I'd have stayed home. I heard a great sermon on how to pray for others. I would have missed it if I was in my recliner. And I wept as we sang my heart's cry. I'm talking full-blown almost sobbing at my seat, hand raised, heart crying out to Jesus.

Abide with me, abide with me

Don't let me fall, and don't let go

Walk with me, and never leave

Ever close, God, abide with me!

The dictionary says that "abide" means:

1.

to remain; continue; stay:

2.

to have one's abode; dwell; reside:

3.

to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; last.

My heart literally cried out to Jesus that he would remain, stat, reside, and continue in relationship with me. WOW! That's pretty intense, pretty powerful. At that moment, I truly realized that God will NEVER let me go. When God seems far away, He isn't the one that moved. May I never move away from Christ again!

❤ Brenda

Abide with Me by Matt Maher