Beautiful & Wonderful

    Self-esteem is something I've struggled with most of my life. Being the youngest of four, I was always compared to my older brothers. "Why aren't you as smart as...?" "Why aren't you as athletic as...?" "Why aren't you as outgoing as...?". After awhile, I started to wonder if God truly made a mistake when He made me.

    As I got older, I knew I wasn't popular like other girls. I thought it was because I wasn't good enough. My closest friends were always girls at church. But only one of them went to school with me. School was rough because I felt alone. 

    While in college, I ended a toxic relationship. When I did, I was told, "You'll never find someone else to love you." and "You're not good enough for anyone." Stupidly I believed it. I'm thankful I left that relationship for someone who taught me my worth and never made me feel ugly or worthless. 

    Self-esteem is still something I sometimes struggle with. I always wonder how God can use me. I'm just a simple wife, mom, grandma, computer teacher...There's nothing I can do for God where I am. After all, I've made mistakes. I've sinned. I've tried to do things my own way rather than God's. Can I ever be good enough for Him?

    Tonight as I was working in the kitchen, I was playing my Hillsong United Radio station on Pandora. I had my own little worship time going. I'd have to stop washing a dish to raise my hands in praise or pause to wipe a tear from my eye as the worship overwhelmed my emotions. It's in those moments of deep worship that God seems to speak to me most audibly. I could write about dozens of songs that brought me to tears. But this one in particular really hit me. I've heard it countless times and it quickly became one of my favorite a few years ago when I first heard it. 

    Gungor, a husband and wife worship band, remind us that God can make beautiful things out of dust. After all, he made the trees and flowers out of nothing. Why should we expect anything less for our lives? Perhaps you need this reminder, too. I wanted to post a video with the lyrics. But then I saw the actual music video for the first time and, let me just say that you need to see this? Think you've fallen so far God can't redeem you? Think again! He's up to the challenge!

Beautiful Things by Gungor

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
❤ Brenda

God Broke Me

   I usually try to read a book before I see the movie. But I did it backwards this time...by quite awhile. I saw the movie War Room soon after it came out. I didn't realize it was a book until a few weeks ago. I checked it out (through a cool app called Hoopla where I can get eBooks from my local library) and read it - rather quickly, I might add). While reading the book, God struck me with something - my prayer life stinks!! 

   Now, don't get me wrong. I pray daily. I pray throughout the day. However, my prayer life has become very complacent. I find myself praying the same way over and over...and my prayers are rather vague. I pray for lots of people, groups of people, etc. But I never mention anything specific in my prayers. But as a parent, I know I would always rather have my kids say, "Mom, I'd like a gift certificate to the movies for Christmas" than "Mom, I'd like a gift for Christmas." Specific requests are so much better. 

   As our Heavenly Father, God is no different. Rather than say, "God, be with John Doe today" I can pray, "God, be with John Doe as he goes through knee surgery. Guide the hands of the doctors..." Yes, God knows John Doe is having knee surgery. But He likes to hear His children tell Him what they want. So, I've changed how I pray. I come to Jesus like a child asking for the perfect Christmas gift. I tell my Father exactly what I'm looking for. I started a prayer journal to keep track of those times I say, "I'll pray for you" to someone. If I tell you I'll be praying for you, rest assured. I will be. Your name will be in my journal along with the specific request. And I use my journal when I go to prayer. Note: I don't have a room or closet I can use so my "War Room" is portable. 

   So, God started breaking me while reading a book over the past couple weeks. Today, I broke me to the point of tears. I was doing some housework before my husband came home from work and decided to listen to Pandora on my phone. I love the praise and worship station (and the Keith Green, Hillsong, Classic Hymn and Disney stations!) Today I was listening to the praise and worship station...and singing along rather loudly. Hey, I was in the privacy of my own home. Don't judge! Anyway, several songs into my listening, an old Matthew West song called "Motions." I've heard it hundreds of times. But today, I really listened to the lyrics as I sang along. 
                             

 I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?

   God really got me to thinking that I spend a lot of time going through the motions. I go to church, I sing the songs, I read my Bible, I pray. But do people see Him through me? I hate to say it, but I think my answer would have to be no. That little tidbit hit me right between the eyes! I've wasted so much time going through the motions. No more! If people don't see Christ in me, I'm doing it all wrong. May God help me as I strive to give Him my all!

   A couple songs later, God really broke me. Another song I've heard probably thousands of times, have sung in church and even used to know the sign language to came on. As I loudly sang the lyrics, God broke me to the point of sobbing tears as I cried out to Him and asked that this be true in my life. I stood in the middle of my kitchen, hands raised, tears flowing...and dish water running as I sobbed 4 feet away from the sink. 

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary

pure and hold, tried and true.

With thanksgiving, I'll be a living

sanctuary for you.

   Merriam-Webster gives this definition for the word 'sanctuary': a place where someone or something is protected or given shelter.

   Oh, God, may I be a place where You are given shelter. How welcoming have I been to Him though? I have to admit I haven't been as welcoming as I should be. That changes...today, now, forever! I will never again be the same. 

   Friends, I will never throw my "religion" down your throat. I will never guilt you into believing what I believe (of course, I've discussed my feelings on 'belief' in a past post. I do more than believe in Jesus. I follow Him, I worship Him, I choose to live for Him. I won't guilt you into it. But I sure as the world will do my best to introduce you to Him if you don't already know Him. Oh...and I'll be praying for you whether you like it or not!

Devotion

Last night in the quietness of the house, I heard a voice speak this word to me. Devotion. When I think of the word 'devotion' I think of being devoted to something. I think of the thing I'm devoted to being higher on my list of priorities.

I'm devoted to my husband. I'm devoted to my family. These people are way at the top of my list of priorities. I'm devoted to being at work every day I need to be. I'm devoted to taking care of our home, cooking meals, being sure we have food to eat, visiting my neighbor every Tuesday, and the list goes on.

Then this voice asked, "You're devoted to many things. Are you devoted to Me?" *Gulp* Well, I try hard to be. I mean, I read the Bible every day. In fact, I'm on my third time reading through the Bible in a year. I have devotions every morning and every evening. I pray every day. Then this question came: "Does 'going through the motions' mean the same as 'devotion'? Whoa!

The dictionary says devotion means "profound dedication or consecration; earnest attachment to a cause, person, etc.; an assignment or appropriation to any purpose, cause, etc." Well, that sure changes my answer to the question I was asked.

I couldn't help but think of the number of times I'd been reading the Bible but thinking about what I needed to do when I was finished reading for the day. Or I'd be having my morning devotions thinking about what tasks I needed to accomplish that day. I thought about the times I'd just mute the TV while I did my daily Bible reading rather than turn it off...or wait to turn it on until my reading was done. I thought about all those times I'd see a prayer request from a friend on Facebook and tell them I'd be praying. But then I never remembered to actually pray for them.

Starting here and now, those days are done. From now on, TV will not be turned on until my Bible reading is done, I've taken time to think about what God was saying through that Scripture and I've prayed that He would help me to continue chewing on it. If I tell you I'll be praying for you, rest assured I mean it.

Recently, my husband and I watched the movie War Room. It was a tremendous movie! We live in a little house with small closets. I don't have a place I could make into my war room. Besides, I spend more hours awake at work than I do at home. So I've decided my desk area will be my war room. I get into my classroom 30 minutes before students begin arriving. I have lunch at my desk. I have 30 minutes after my last class that I'm at my desk. I have prayer requests taped all around my computer and desk area. I pray over them all throughout the day. I will continue to do that. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit. Yesterday was day 1. In 20 days, I hope that this all comes naturally to me. I hope that it seems normal to spend the first chunk of time at home in the evening sitting in silence listening to God speak to me as I read His Word. I hope I don't have to stick notes all over to remind me to pray for people. I hope I don't have to work so hard to tune life out while I focus on Christ and my devotion to him. TV, text messages and computer games can wait. First, I need to show Jesus that I am devoted to him and not just going through the motions. I urge you to join me.

In the Palm of His Hand

You get a bonus blog post today! I'm sure you're excited. haha Yes, I realize I'm probably the only one who actually reads this blog...besides my husband. But he's sort of obligated to. But I had a thought to share and it was too long for a status. I hope the right people read this.

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I'm reading Gripped by the Greatness of God written by James MacDonald. I usually don't enjoy non-fiction unless it's about Titanic history, the Royal Family or education. However, I love digging into this book. I'm learning so much about my God and Savior through the eyes of Isaiah. What I read today really got me to thinking.

Isaiah 40:12 says, "Who has measure the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?" Mr. MacDonald writes, "Cup your hand. Look at that little place down there in the middle. Think about all of the water in all the world - God measured the oceans from the hollow of His hand. To be a little more exact, that's 912,500 cubic miles of water. That's a mile by a mile by a mile, 912,500 times. And God's like, 'Got it right here in My palm.'"*

Whoa!! That's a pretty incredible thought. I mean, I've tried to use the palm of my hand to get enough water to rinse my mouth out when brushing my teeth and didn't have a cup handy. I can only fit a tablespoon or so in there. Yet God can hold 912,500 cubic miles worth of water in the palm of His hand. And I have a feeling there's room to hold a sandwich in there with it. (Sorry, just had to throw that in there! I know there isn't Biblical evidence that God even eats sandwiches)

So, if He can hold all that water in that little cup formed when He holds His hand out, what makes me think He can't hold me? How often do we cry out, "God, help me!"? How about we change those pleas to, "God, hold me!" Do you believe He is able to hold you? I believe it. I trust it. And I'm going to count on it. God, You can hold every drop of water in every ocean, lake, river, pond and stream. I know You can - and do - hold me. Thank you!

Friend, if you're struggling and feeling like God dropped you out of His hand, believe me...you're still sitting right there! He won't let go. Rest in His hand. Feel the warmth of His palm. Trust in Him to hold you through. No matter what you're going through, it didn't take Him by surprise. And He never let go of you! Don't let go of Him!

*MacDonald, James (2005). Gripped by the Greatness of God. Pg. 46 Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers

God Doesn't Need Me

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place...And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

Yes, I said God doesn't need me. Yes, He will use me. However He doesn't NEED me. God can and will accomplish His goals with or without me. His work is not dependent upon me. However, if I make myself open to Him, He can and will work through me.

The choice is mine to make. God will never force or coerce a person into serving Him. While most of us aren't placed into "royal position" like Esther, God can place us in the factory, school, office, construction site, retail store, etc. for "such a time as this." It's worth it to be used by God!