Please Hold

   I've gotten too good at feeling God directing me to write blog posts and pretending like I don't know what He's talking about. I convince myself that He certainly can't want me to write something. After all, I'm nowhere near as eloquent as other people who write. But then I'm reminded of Moses. God gave him a specific message but Moses resisted because he was "slow of speech and of tongue." He urged God to send Aaron instead. But God used Moses and I need to work on being open to Him using me even when I don't think I'm good enough. So, here goes...

   Many times, I hear people say things like "my world is falling apart", "God doesn't love me" and "I can do this on my own." I admit I've been guilty of all these and more. Sometimes I've uttered them in a span of less than five minutes. Let's be honest...when things seem to be going all wrong is right when we give up and assume God stopped loving us. We say we just need to hang in there awhile longer. Often times, when we're talking to people who are going through rough times, our response is, "Hang in there!" Perhaps we have this backwards.

   One of my favorite Casting Crowns songs is called "Just Be Held." Human nature is to be self-sufficient, to go it alone and be in control. However, we just aren't strong enough to handle everything life throws our way. The bad thing is that Satan knows that all too well. He's often quick to remind us. But if we're willing to let go of that rope we're clinging to, Jesus is there to hold onto us. The good news is He will never let go, no matter how many times we may kick and fight against Him.

Stop holding on and just be held!
💙Brenda

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

Just Be Held - Casting Crowns

 

Imagine

Tonight, Drew brought home a couple movies we’ve been wanting to see. The one we chose to watch tonight was I Can Only Imagine - the story of the well-known MercyMe song. I’m not normally good at doing anything while watching a movie because I get distracted and either miss the movie or don’t get my work done. Tonight I added in a third thing...and did all three well. While I was working on some work for school and watching the movie, I was also doing some thinking. Here goes:

As a little girl, I always had heaven pictured like the balcony at Cedar Road Missionary Church where I grew up. I really don’t know why. There was nothing particularly ethereal or grandiose about the space. But it was a space that was a big part of my life. I pictured Jesus standing underneath the wood arched ceiling. 

As I grew up, I imagined heaven looking more like a disco studio with bright gold streets and everything around me glittering. I saw Jesus with a glowing gold orb around his head. Just chalk it up to growing up in the 70s and 80s. 

As an adult, I seem to focus my attention more on what my reactions will be when I get to heaven rather than what it looks like. Clearly I’m not the only one. You see, I think we often like to think we know just how we’ll respond in any given situation. But entering heaven may not be so easy to predict. 

Oftentimes I’ve pictured entering heaven and running into the waiting arms of my grandparents. I’ve envisioned seeing my dear childhood friend again. I imagine sitting at the feet of Jesus asking him every question I’ve ever wanted to ask.

But then I realize I really don’t know what it will be like. I’d like to think I’ll walk right up to Jesus and thank him. I’d love to believe that I’ll worship openly in his presence. But the reality of it is that I’m sure I’ll be in such awe, captivated by his presence that I imagine myself being completely frozen. Kind of like if I ever had the chance to meet Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith or any other celebrity. 

The fact is, none of us know how we will act or feel when we enter the presence of Jesus. But one day we’ll all find out. Some of us will hear him say “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of my presence” while others will hear him say, “Away from me! I never knew you!” I know which group I’m in. Do you? If not, I’d love to chat with you! 

❤️ Brenda 

Such a Time as This

If I said my summer job has been a walk in the park, I’d be lying. It’s a lot of wear and tear on my body at times. It’s having to say no to people when my heart wants to help them. It’s knowing I’m completely different from my coworkers. There have been many days I’ve questioned my purpose in being there. There have been days I felt so unappreciated that I felt like giving up. But I don’t give up. Today, I found my purpose in being there. Today, with just two work days left before I get ready to go back to school, my purpose showed up.

Most of my coworkers are much younger than me. Only one is older. Today, one of the young girls came back from lunch in tears. Friends, let’s face it...sometimes life just stinks. Sometimes all the bad stuff hits at the same time. A few of us were at that point today. It was a rough day. You could feel it in the atmosphere. And this sweet young lady was hurting. She simply walked up to me and said, “Can I have a hug?” I hugged her and she simply wept. After a minute or so, I said, “Would you mind if I prayed for you? Because, you know that’s what I do.” She said she was fine with that so I did. We stood there hugging and crying together as I prayed.  Afterwards, she thanked me and I told her I needed that moment today. I admitted I was struggling to feel like I had a purpose there but had just found it.

Friends, if I’ve worked through this whole summer for 5 minutes on July 24, so be it. Those moments were so worth it. Your purpose may not be revealed to you right away, but God will put you in the right place to fulfill your purpose when He needs you too. Remember, Esther didn’t find out her purpose in becoming Queen immediately. She went through some struggles first. If you’re like me and struggling to see your purpose, hang tight! It’ll show up when you least expect it. 

Don’t Listen

Some days it’s hard to hear the still, small voice of Jesus as He whispers, “Peace. Be still.” Those whispers seem to be drowned out by shouts of criticism, doubt and dislike by people around us. Those shouts are tools of Satan that he uses to try and break us down and draw us away from a loving God. God has much bigger plans for us than to have Satan continually drag us down. 

I picture Satan dragging me through the mud by my hair, much like we’ve seen cavemen depicted as doing in movies and shows. Perhaps those cavewomen weren’t strong enough to reach out and grab a branch and resist. Maybe there wasn’t a branch within reach.

But I have a Vine that I can reach out to. He’s always within reach, if only I will stretch out my hand and grab onto His. He will always rescue me from Satan’s grasp.

There will always be people who will tell you you’re not good enough. But that’s a lie! Jesus died on the cross because we’re all good enough! You’re the apple of His eye. Nothing you’ve ever done or ever will do makes you worthy of His sacrifice. That’s why it’s called “grace” - it’s an undeserved gift. 

Don’t ever let people bring you down through their criticism. If they don’t like you, they can choose to stay away from you. Fact is, Jesus loves you and longs to spend time with you. Listen carefully- you’ll hear Him calling your name.

Fear is a Liar - Zach Williams

Stormy Weather

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He calms His child.

He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. Psalm 107:29

Wohlford, party of 2 has beeen stuck in a storm pattern for awhile now. Feeling like we just can’t get ahead financially, too many things to get done and not enough time, and now some fairly major health issues with Drew. Some days I just want to wave a white flag and shout, “I GIVE UP!!”

Life is hard. God never promised it would be easy. But He did promise He would never leave us or forsake us. Does that mean we can do anything we want and He will just with there and wait to bail us out? No!

But if we remain faithful to Him, He will remain faithful to us. He longs to give His children good gifts. He longs to bless us. But He won’t cater to our every desire when we’re complaining about the storm.

Over the past few weeks I’ve had plenty of chances I could have complained about the storm. I could have had a pity party. Ok...I’ll be honest and say I did a couple times. The storm seemed so dark. I just wanted to make sure God could still see me.

No, He hasn’t calmed this storm. In fact, it hasn’t really decreased in intensity. I won’t lie and say I’m not concerned. But I know God’s umbrella is huge and He will ride out this storm with us. 

God Knows

**I'm writing this more so that I can look back and remember...because sometimes even the hardest moments are worth remembering.**

   Monday, April 2, 2018 started just like any other Monday. I was on Spring Break, although I was going to spend that one day working at the pawn shop. Drew was going to work that day and then be on vacation so we could spend the rest of the week together. Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined what that evening and the coming days would bring. But God knew.
 
   Around 10:00, Drew sent me a text saying that he was struggling to get warm. He said he was shivering uncontrollably, sitting with his legs wrapped around a space heater, his coat and hood on. That's highly unusual for my husband. I assumed he was coming down with a 24 hour stomach bug. But God knew.

   About 1:00, I got a text from Drew telling me he was going to be going home as soon as his assistant manager could get there. That's extremely unusual for him. He never willingly takes off work just because he doesn't feel good. I still thought it was a stomach bug and thought he would sleep it off and we have a great week together. But God knew.

   He came home and slept while I continued through my work day. I was very excited to get home, get him feeling better and have fun together the rest of the week. We were going to go to the movies, get some yard work done, sleep in every day and stay up late every night. We had our week all planned. But God knew.

   When I came home from work, he was laying in bed. His cheeks were flushed and he was sweating. I asked how he was feeling. He said it was really hot in the house. I checked the thermostat and it was right where it normally is. I kissed his forehead and immediately knew he was running a fever. I took his temperature and it was 101.8. He tried getting up out of bed and could hardly walk. He said his leg was hurting. I took one look and could see why. It was bright red and quite swollen. I tried to talk him into a trip to the ER but he wouldn't go. (You know the old saying, "You can always tell a German but you can't tell him much.") He said he'd let me take him in the morning if it wasn't better but he was sure it would be. But God knew.

   Early Tuesday morning, he woke up and was nearly unable to walk. His leg was very swollen, incredibly sore and extremely red. He said he was ready for a trip to the ER. It took us awhile but we got ourselves dressed and ready to go. On our way out the door, he said we should take his phone charger "just in case" but was sure we'd just go to Memorial and be back in a few hours. But God knew.

God knew I'd sleep in a hospital chair for 10 nights (missing 3 tags)

   By the time we got to Memorial Hospital, there was no way Drew was going to walk into the ER. I went in and got a wheelchair to take him in. At this point, I really knew there was something significantly wrong. My sweet husband has always been good at smiling through the pain and making the most of everything. We thought we'd get it checked out, get some medication and be on our way. But God knew.

This was what it looked like in the ER

3 hours after arriving

   We didn't wait very long before being taken back to a room. Blood tests were ordered and we waited. After a short time, the doctor came in to say Drew had cellulitis and would be admitted for some IV antibiotics. We got settled into room 1128 around 2:00 and I left to come home for things for the night. We figured it would be IV antibiotics overnight and back home Wednesday morning. But God knew.

   When the nurse came in to give us some information, one thing she did was tell us what hospitalist was assigned to him. I was thrilled to find out it was going to be my best friend since childhood. We've known each other our entire lives and now she was going to be caring for the best man I could ever ask for. Knowing there are many hospitalists there, I was sure she wouldn't be his doctor. No one knew how much I hoped and prayed she would be. But God knew.

   Over the course of the next 10 days, we would meet some of the nicest nurses (and a couple crummy ones) and Patient Care Assistants we could have asked for. Of course, there were the midnight and 4:00am IV changes, the blood draws anytime between 2:00-4:00am, the weight and vitals checks at 5:00am and the constant noises that we're not used to hearing at home. The doctor came in every day and checked his leg. Her plan was to keep him on IV antibiotics until she saw some improvement and then switch him to oral antibiotics for 24 hours before sending him home. She was sure he would be discharged before she'd be off duty for a few days. We fully anticipated being home by Thursday or Friday at the very latest. But God knew.

Blister at 7:30PM

Blister at 8:00PM

   Wednesday evening we noticed what looked like a small blister, about the diameter of a dime that formed just below the knee. We let the nurse know and she contacted the doctor who ordered wound care for Thursday morning. Within 30 minutes, the blister had grown to the diameter of a quarter. Wound care came in on Thursday morning, drained the blister and put compression wraps on his leg.

   Friday we just relaxed for most of the day. Saturday I left to take my parents shopping. While I was gone, wound care came in to check Drew's leg. They scraped a lot of dead skin from the wound and redressed it. It was quite painful for Drew.

Post-scraping

   Sunday I went to church and live streamed the service for Drew. Even though he was in South Bend and I was in Elkhart, it was nice to know we were worshiping in the same service. "Spring break" came to an end and a new work week would begin the next morning.

   Each morning, I left the hospital bright and early to make the 30 minute drive to work. After the doctor came in, Drew would text me to let me know what she had to say. The first couple days it was pretty much the same news..."We have to stick with IV antibiotics. Keep it elevated." Wound care came in daily to change the bandages and check the wound. It was slowly improving but not quite as much as the doctor had hoped.

   Wednesday she said, "We'll see about starting oral antibiotics tomorrow." Thursday she decided to switch him from the IV to oral antibiotics. At this point, we decided we'd know he was coming home when they had him sign paperwork. But we were both so ready to be home. It was so hard to not get our hopes up.

His last nurse, Aaron and our favorite PCA, Maria

Discharge day

 Late Friday morning I got the news I'd been waiting for. Drew texted to tell me that the oral antibiotics were working well enough that he could go home! He would have to come back to the hospital every couple days for outpatient wound care. But that's certainly a small sacrifice to make to sleep in our own bed, relax in our living room and not have nurses coming in all hours of the night. So I happily went to the hospital, packed up nearly two weeks' worth of our personal belongings and we bid farewell to 11 South at Memorial Hospital. We made a stop to fill four new prescriptions, stopped for dinner and came home. Drew hadn't seen the inside of our home for nearly 11 days. He was beyond thrilled to be home and I was ecstatic to have him home! We know we still have a long road ahead of us. But we'll get through this together just like we've gotten through every hurdle we've faced. After all, in our wedding vows, we said "for better or worse, in sickness and in health..."

Thankful for well-wishes from many. 

Truck and flowers from Drew's sister

Balloons from Jon and his girlfriend

The visitor that got the biggest smile

   Over the course of those 11 days, we were so thankful for calls, texts, Facebook messages, cards and visits from may friends and family. He received a large plant from WWJP and a cute little truck with flowers from his sister, cards from Aunt Eleanor, Aunt Darlene and Uncle John, Aunt Rita and our friends at Electric Brew. He had visits from Pastor Mike, our kids and granddaughter, my parents, his mom and nephew, his sister, our friends Howie, Hubie and Peggy, Charles, Scott and Kerri, Byron, Eric and Serena, and YuYu. Our church family has held us up in prayer every step of the way. We're thankful to be part of such a great family of fellow believers. 

Plant from WWJP

    It's been a long couple weeks and I know the adventure isn't over. But we know that, as Hubie said, "God will pull you through if you can stand the pull." We know God had a purpose for allowing this to happen. We also know He had a reason to keep him in the hospital for so long. 

   *If you've read to the end, congratulations! I only wrote it so that I could look back in the future and be reminded that God knows long before we do. If we are faithful to Him, He will be faithful to us. May He always find me faithful. ❤Brenda (and Drew, too!) 💑

        

Persevering through pain

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Loved walking "around the block" with my sweetie

 

 

 

We almost had an escapee. 

Beautiful & Wonderful

    Self-esteem is something I've struggled with most of my life. Being the youngest of four, I was always compared to my older brothers. "Why aren't you as smart as...?" "Why aren't you as athletic as...?" "Why aren't you as outgoing as...?". After awhile, I started to wonder if God truly made a mistake when He made me.

    As I got older, I knew I wasn't popular like other girls. I thought it was because I wasn't good enough. My closest friends were always girls at church. But only one of them went to school with me. School was rough because I felt alone. 

    While in college, I ended a toxic relationship. When I did, I was told, "You'll never find someone else to love you." and "You're not good enough for anyone." Stupidly I believed it. I'm thankful I left that relationship for someone who taught me my worth and never made me feel ugly or worthless. 

    Self-esteem is still something I sometimes struggle with. I always wonder how God can use me. I'm just a simple wife, mom, grandma, computer teacher...There's nothing I can do for God where I am. After all, I've made mistakes. I've sinned. I've tried to do things my own way rather than God's. Can I ever be good enough for Him?

    Tonight as I was working in the kitchen, I was playing my Hillsong United Radio station on Pandora. I had my own little worship time going. I'd have to stop washing a dish to raise my hands in praise or pause to wipe a tear from my eye as the worship overwhelmed my emotions. It's in those moments of deep worship that God seems to speak to me most audibly. I could write about dozens of songs that brought me to tears. But this one in particular really hit me. I've heard it countless times and it quickly became one of my favorite a few years ago when I first heard it. 

    Gungor, a husband and wife worship band, remind us that God can make beautiful things out of dust. After all, he made the trees and flowers out of nothing. Why should we expect anything less for our lives? Perhaps you need this reminder, too. I wanted to post a video with the lyrics. But then I saw the actual music video for the first time and, let me just say that you need to see this? Think you've fallen so far God can't redeem you? Think again! He's up to the challenge!

Beautiful Things by Gungor

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
❤ Brenda