Beautiful & Wonderful

    Self-esteem is something I've struggled with most of my life. Being the youngest of four, I was always compared to my older brothers. "Why aren't you as smart as...?" "Why aren't you as athletic as...?" "Why aren't you as outgoing as...?". After awhile, I started to wonder if God truly made a mistake when He made me.

    As I got older, I knew I wasn't popular like other girls. I thought it was because I wasn't good enough. My closest friends were always girls at church. But only one of them went to school with me. School was rough because I felt alone. 

    While in college, I ended a toxic relationship. When I did, I was told, "You'll never find someone else to love you." and "You're not good enough for anyone." Stupidly I believed it. I'm thankful I left that relationship for someone who taught me my worth and never made me feel ugly or worthless. 

    Self-esteem is still something I sometimes struggle with. I always wonder how God can use me. I'm just a simple wife, mom, grandma, computer teacher...There's nothing I can do for God where I am. After all, I've made mistakes. I've sinned. I've tried to do things my own way rather than God's. Can I ever be good enough for Him?

    Tonight as I was working in the kitchen, I was playing my Hillsong United Radio station on Pandora. I had my own little worship time going. I'd have to stop washing a dish to raise my hands in praise or pause to wipe a tear from my eye as the worship overwhelmed my emotions. It's in those moments of deep worship that God seems to speak to me most audibly. I could write about dozens of songs that brought me to tears. But this one in particular really hit me. I've heard it countless times and it quickly became one of my favorite a few years ago when I first heard it. 

    Gungor, a husband and wife worship band, remind us that God can make beautiful things out of dust. After all, he made the trees and flowers out of nothing. Why should we expect anything less for our lives? Perhaps you need this reminder, too. I wanted to post a video with the lyrics. But then I saw the actual music video for the first time and, let me just say that you need to see this? Think you've fallen so far God can't redeem you? Think again! He's up to the challenge!

Beautiful Things by Gungor

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
❤ Brenda

Not Learning or Not Listening?

It's been awhile since I've posted. Whenever I realize I've gone long periods of time without posting, I always use the excuse that "God hasn't given me anything to write about" or "I haven't learned anything worth posting."

But today, God reminded me that He is always teaching me, guiding me, leading me. It's my job to listen and learn from things and circumstances around me. That means I've really been learning a lot and I've really had a lot worth writing about. But I missed it. I'm the only one to blame. I can't blame God for my ignorance. I can only blame myself.

So here is a list of some of the things I've learned but didn't realize I had and some things I should have written about but didn't think they were worthwhile enough. I need to remember that I don't write these blog posts to entertain, inform or teach anyone. I write them so I have something to look back on in the future and see what God taught me.

1. No matter how many things go wrong (or not the way I want them to), being upset or allowing that worry to fester won't help at all.
2. No matter how I feel on the inside getting up, dressing up and showing up is always the best option. It would be so easy to let pain get me down. But that just won't work. I'm better than that.

Denver (2.5yrs), Clara (2 months), Jonny (4yrs)
Our precious grandchildren

3. No matter how tired I may be or how rough my day may have been, the laughter and smile of a baby or child is enough to give me a boost...especially when it's my grandchild. (and I've had the pleasure of hearing all three of my grandchildren laugh and see them smile since my last post).
4. Getting dozens of hugs from students every morning is the best way to start a day!
5. Watching my children interact with their children is an incredible experience.

Denver, who may be praying it'll be time to play soon. 

Silly smiles with Jonny

6. It may have been 22 years since I've had a baby staying in my house for long periods of time. But I can still prepare a bottle, change a diaper, feed and burp a baby and get them back to sleep...all in the dark!
7. I love the sound of crunching leaves just as much as I always have.
8. The older I get, the less tolerant I am of cold weather. It's been in the 40s and I'm wearing layers. Weird!
9. I love creating assignments for students. It's nice to be able to use things I learned in college without having all the grading and parent-teacher conferences to worry about.
10. Nothing beats a quiet night at home with my husband.

May I pay more attention to what God is teaching me and showing me.

Brenda ♥

Abiding

   It's been awhile since I've posted anything. It's not that I haven't learned anything. It's that I'm stubborn and feel like the things I learn are maybe more just for me and no one else needs to know about them. Maybe other people don't think like me. Maybe other people have it all together more than I do. But God has been doing some big things in my faith walk lately...more specifically, in the past several days.

 
The past few days, I've felt like everyone or everything I prayed for got worse rather than better. I prayed for relationships of people around me but they seemed to disintegrate more, I prayed for healing for my daughter and she ended up in the hospital, I prayed for financial provision for people in need and they seemed to have even less, I prayed for more rest and went sleepless nights, I prayed for health for my husband and he developed one of the worst head colds he's had in a long time...I found myself certain that God didn't exist.

   Or did I even believe He actually existed? For a short time, I can honestly tell you I thought everything I had ever believed about God was a big lie. I verbally asked God why He created me just to sit and laugh at my frustration. (Yes, I thought God was a lie but I still found myself praying. I'm not saying I was at all rational in those moments!) I asked God to show me if He was actually there.

   And then God showed up! You see, all those lies that filled my head were from satan. He hates God's children He hates people who have faith. He hates people who pray. Why is it so easy to believe the lies of satan yet so hard to believe the truths of God? (If I'm the only one that feels that way, you can stop reading. You apparently have it all together.)

   Still here? Good! Let's continue. I continued to find myself praying, not fully convinced God exists, still feeling like He had no clue I was even there. But there was that part of me that knew that was my only hope. I remember a former pastor who used to say, "I'd rather live my life believing that there is a God and find out I was wrong than live my life believing there is no God and finding out there is!"

   So I prayed. I prayed for healing of relationships, I prayed for healing for my daughter, I prayed for financial provision, I prayed for rest, I prayed for my husband to be healthy. Relationships started to improve, my daughter got better and I was able to bring her home from the hospital, finances have been improving for many, I've gotten some rest (although not much because I had a newborn here for a few days) and while my husband hasn't gotten better, he doesn't seem to be getting worse.

   This morning, I let satan try to convince me to stay home from church. After all, I was very tired. Staying home one Sunday wouldn't be bad. I was ready to throw in the towel and stay home. But my daughter encouraged me to go. So, reluctantly I got my granddaughter and I dressed for church (matching outfits, no less!) and went to church.

   A friend needed encouragement that I was able to give. She may not have gotten that if I'd have stayed home. I heard a great sermon on how to pray for others. I would have missed it if I was in my recliner. And I wept as we sang my heart's cry. I'm talking full-blown almost sobbing at my seat, hand raised, heart crying out to Jesus.

Abide with me, abide with me

Don't let me fall, and don't let go

Walk with me, and never leave

Ever close, God, abide with me!

The dictionary says that "abide" means:

1.

to remain; continue; stay:

2.

to have one's abode; dwell; reside:

3.

to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; last.

My heart literally cried out to Jesus that he would remain, stat, reside, and continue in relationship with me. WOW! That's pretty intense, pretty powerful. At that moment, I truly realized that God will NEVER let me go. When God seems far away, He isn't the one that moved. May I never move away from Christ again!

❤ Brenda

Abide with Me by Matt Maher 

Stronger Together

You wouldn't think that looking at a tree would give you a story - a life lesson really. However, as we were walking through the woods Sunday, that very thing happened. We've seen it several times when we've walked there. But this time God really got me thinking.

 

Notice how the smaller branch is wrapped around the larger tree trunk. There are several trees that way. Some are wrapped for several feet of the tree. It's very intriguing. It's almost as if the smaller tree saw the bigger tree struggling to stand and reached out to hold it up. Or perhaps the smaller tree was struggling to take root and the larger tree urged its smaller friend to hang on tight for support. 

Now, I am well aware of the fact that trees don't talk. At least we can't hear them. But they're living creations. So perhaps in some way they do. 

Nonetheless, we humans are able to communicate. How often have you seen someone struggling and reached out to offer support? How many times have you held someone up in prayers, been a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, given someone a ride, a place to sleep for the night, shelter from a storm? The list goes on. On the other end, how many times has someone seen you struggling and reached out to support you? When I stop to think of the times people have helped us through our struggles, how dare I not offer to help someone else? I have two shoulders, two ears, a reliable car and I have a Friend Who hears my prayers.  Reach out to someone...and don't be afraid to let someone else help you when you need it. 

But encourage one another daily as long as it is called "Today," so that none of you may be hindered by sin's deceitfulness. Hebrews 3:13

❤Brenda 

2016 A Year in Review

December 30, 2016 - Did I seriously just type that date? Where in the world has 2016 gone? My Grandma used to say that time goes so much faster as you get older. I though she was crazy. Turns out she was right - again! That woman always knew what she was talking about!

What a year it's been! I'm going to try to recap. Ya know, people send out those family letters in their Christmas cards. While I read every single one of them we receive, I've never been much for typing one myself. So, I figured I'd give it a shot this year. I feel like I have so much to update and yet I don't know that there's really that much. But it sure feels like it's been a whirlwind year. 

We welcomed in 2016 as official empty-nesters. We had to learn how to just be us. For the first time in almost 23 years, we were "just us" in the house on our own. The quiet stillness took some getting used to. But now we love our quiet nights! It's been nice to reconnect and focus on us and our relationship. 

January and February moved right along with the normal winter blahs. We were ready to get out into the garden and spend time on our porch. But before that, our lives we changed in a moment. On March 17 in the wee hours of morning, Drew woke up throwing up large amount of blood. I rushed him to Memorial Hospital where we spent the next four days. After lots of blood tests and an endoscopy, it was discovered that he had "more ulcers than I can count" (to quote Dr. Oh) as well as a hiatal hernia. He went into the hospital not taking any prescription medications but would leave with two that he will take for the rest of his life. Our diet also had to completely be changed. That's not really a bad thing but it took some getting used to. We're a beef-eating family. Now we're limited to twice a month. Otherwise, it's turkey, chicken and lean pork. Nothing fried or spicy. Lots of vegetables. Perhaps the biggest thing was cutting out our Diet Coke. We were huge Diet Coke drinkers! Neither of us have had one since March. In fact, a few days after his hospital stay, we tried one. It tasted horrible! We haven't had a sip since. Drew had to take it easy for awhile until he regained his strength. But he's been so much more active with our new lifestyle. This hospital stay also brought us to a fantastic family physician. She's a wonderful Christian woman who is very caring and compassionate. While she points out things in our lives that need to be changed for our health, it never feels like she's condemning us for past mistakes. We're thankful for Dr. Frentz. 

June 8 we took our first trip to Saint Joseph, Michigan and immediately fell in love with this quaint little beach town! The lake is stunning, the beach is beautiful, the shops in town are tremendous, and we love the slower pace of life there. This was our first trip of many! I'm now Facebook friends with people we met over the summer, we've traveled up for the Saturday Farmer's Market, gone up to have dinner and watch the sunset and even made a rush trip, getting into town 15 minutes before the sunset and then got ice cream before coming back home. We spent more time on the road than we spent in town but it was so worth it! I don't know why we never went there before. I feel like so many years were wasted by not going. We'll definitely be back! After all, we have friends there now. 

This fall, we built a video shelf in Sarah's old room. It is floor to ceiling and wall to wall on one whole side. Yes, we have that many movies! No, we're not ashamed to admit that! We enjoy watching movies together. And we're pretty darned proud of our shelf!It turned out great and we had fun working together to build it. 

That project just wasn't enough for us. We decided to rearrange our living room. Living in a little 3-bedroom house that's less that 1,000 square feet with four people, it was always pretty cramped. Now that we have two extra rooms, we're able to put our office (which used to be in part of the living room) in Sarah's old room with the video shelf. Jon's old room will eventually be a guest room for when Drew's parents come to visit. So, we moved everything around and gave ourselves an amazing space to relax in. Now we hardly ever want to go anywhere!

Thanksgiving weekend, God told us it was time to go back "home" to our old church. So that Sunday morning, we found ourselves sitting at Bethany Missionary Church and feeling like we had never left. We were welcomed back with open arms and have really felt God moving in our hearts and lives in ways we haven't for quite some time. We're thankful for a loving church family who really seeks to lift others up. 

On the job front, Drew celebrated his one year anniversary as General Manager of Worldwide Jewelry and Pawn in Elkhart. It keep him very busy and he deals with quite a bit of stress. But he loves what he does. I'm proud to say he's able to help so many people through his job. He has a great team of employees working for him. 

In January, I was transferred from the learning lab where I had been working in to the computer lab as the computer teacher. I've had the opportunity to use many of my teaching skills in this position. I love going to work every day and being able to touch 600+ students every week! I not only get to teach students various computer skills (typing, research, etc) but get to enjoy watching them get their "aha" moments and have fun learning! I work with great teachers who are willing to entrust research projects and things to me. It's been a great transition!

Grandkids are growing like weeds! We've been able to make many memories with them! It's still odd to not have kids coming home at night, cooking for two, and not having to tell teenagers to quiet down so we can sleep. But we're blessed with each other and are thankful that God has given us another year to learn and grow closer to Him and to each other. 

May 2017 be another year full of blessings. Wishing you and yours a blessed New Year!

God Broke Me

   I usually try to read a book before I see the movie. But I did it backwards this time...by quite awhile. I saw the movie War Room soon after it came out. I didn't realize it was a book until a few weeks ago. I checked it out (through a cool app called Hoopla where I can get eBooks from my local library) and read it - rather quickly, I might add). While reading the book, God struck me with something - my prayer life stinks!! 

   Now, don't get me wrong. I pray daily. I pray throughout the day. However, my prayer life has become very complacent. I find myself praying the same way over and over...and my prayers are rather vague. I pray for lots of people, groups of people, etc. But I never mention anything specific in my prayers. But as a parent, I know I would always rather have my kids say, "Mom, I'd like a gift certificate to the movies for Christmas" than "Mom, I'd like a gift for Christmas." Specific requests are so much better. 

   As our Heavenly Father, God is no different. Rather than say, "God, be with John Doe today" I can pray, "God, be with John Doe as he goes through knee surgery. Guide the hands of the doctors..." Yes, God knows John Doe is having knee surgery. But He likes to hear His children tell Him what they want. So, I've changed how I pray. I come to Jesus like a child asking for the perfect Christmas gift. I tell my Father exactly what I'm looking for. I started a prayer journal to keep track of those times I say, "I'll pray for you" to someone. If I tell you I'll be praying for you, rest assured. I will be. Your name will be in my journal along with the specific request. And I use my journal when I go to prayer. Note: I don't have a room or closet I can use so my "War Room" is portable. 

   So, God started breaking me while reading a book over the past couple weeks. Today, I broke me to the point of tears. I was doing some housework before my husband came home from work and decided to listen to Pandora on my phone. I love the praise and worship station (and the Keith Green, Hillsong, Classic Hymn and Disney stations!) Today I was listening to the praise and worship station...and singing along rather loudly. Hey, I was in the privacy of my own home. Don't judge! Anyway, several songs into my listening, an old Matthew West song called "Motions." I've heard it hundreds of times. But today, I really listened to the lyrics as I sang along. 
                             

 I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?

   God really got me to thinking that I spend a lot of time going through the motions. I go to church, I sing the songs, I read my Bible, I pray. But do people see Him through me? I hate to say it, but I think my answer would have to be no. That little tidbit hit me right between the eyes! I've wasted so much time going through the motions. No more! If people don't see Christ in me, I'm doing it all wrong. May God help me as I strive to give Him my all!

   A couple songs later, God really broke me. Another song I've heard probably thousands of times, have sung in church and even used to know the sign language to came on. As I loudly sang the lyrics, God broke me to the point of sobbing tears as I cried out to Him and asked that this be true in my life. I stood in the middle of my kitchen, hands raised, tears flowing...and dish water running as I sobbed 4 feet away from the sink. 

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary

pure and hold, tried and true.

With thanksgiving, I'll be a living

sanctuary for you.

   Merriam-Webster gives this definition for the word 'sanctuary': a place where someone or something is protected or given shelter.

   Oh, God, may I be a place where You are given shelter. How welcoming have I been to Him though? I have to admit I haven't been as welcoming as I should be. That changes...today, now, forever! I will never again be the same. 

   Friends, I will never throw my "religion" down your throat. I will never guilt you into believing what I believe (of course, I've discussed my feelings on 'belief' in a past post. I do more than believe in Jesus. I follow Him, I worship Him, I choose to live for Him. I won't guilt you into it. But I sure as the world will do my best to introduce you to Him if you don't already know Him. Oh...and I'll be praying for you whether you like it or not!

Believer or Follower? Verbal Christian or Visible Christian?

God has placed several different thoughts in my head today. I'm trying to sort them all out to write a coherent blog post. But I've found that if I just start typing, God lets the words flow in the way He wants them to. So here goes...

   People are quick to say, "I'm a believer!" I realize that 95% of them are saying they're a believer in Christ. That's all well and good. But you can believe in anything. For example, I believe that pandas are the most beautiful animals in the world. I believe that sunflowers should grow in every garden. I believe that Brazil is the most beautiful country. The list goes on and on. I don't think that saying I believe in God is enough. The Bible points out that even pagans believe. No, I think we should strive to be followers of God. I choose to follow His plan for my life. If He directs me to do something or not do something, who am I to question? I've done that. It's called sin. It's a slippery slope and I will not step foot on that slope again! You won't hear me say I'm a believer. If you ask me if I'm a believer, I'll say no. I'll then go on to tell you that I'm a follower of Christ who has lots of things I believe. Don't merely be a believer. Be a follower!

   Secondly, I think we need to remember that we very well may be the only Jesus others will see. Many of us profess to be Christians. We have our "Religious Views" section on Facebook identifying us as a Christian. We wear cross necklaces, listen to Christian music and go to church. However, when people look at the way we live our lives, they see that's not likely the case. Friends, going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than sitting in a garage makes you a car. Show people you're a Christ follower! Do what His Word commands! Honor your parents, be devoted to your spouse, train up your children in the Word, be honest with those you do business with, etc. If people don't see you doing those kind of things, they may never meet the Jesus you profess to serve.

   Friends, I believe our time in this world may very well be short. In light of that, we need to follow the words of John Wesley: "Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. To all the people you can. As long as you ever can." Don't just tell people you follow Christ! Show them! Introduce them to Him! Time is short. Live it well.