I’m an Overcomer!

Overcome: to get the better of in a struggle or conflict; conquer; defeat

   Let’s be honest for a moment. We have all overcome things, are struggling to overcome things or are trying to figure out if we have enough strength to overcome things. It’s part of the human condition. Sometimes it just seems so much easier to let our struggles pull us under. 

   If I’m being totally transparent with you, I will say I’ve been in the pull-me-under-and-let-me-drown mode far too often. I never talk about this because people think I’m either comparing my struggles to someone else’s, change the subject or don’t care anyway. But I have a selfie on my phone that God put on my heart and wanted me to put this out there. I in no way seek pity or sympathy. But I believe there are others out there who suffer in silence, thinking they have no other choice. I’m here to tell you differently!

   23 years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and put into the category of “major depressive disorder”. 15 years ago, I had the added diagnosis of an anxiety/panic disorder. I’ve been on and off medication as we’ve had doctors move, didn’t have insurance, and now can’t afford the copay for the yearly checkup. Most of the time, I just pretend like I’m fine. Eventually my brain starts to believe it and I’m ok for a period of time. 

   About 6 years ago, Mandisa had a song called “Overcomer” that really showed me I could overcome any obstacle if I just held on. The chorus says:

“You're an overcomer

Stay in the fight 'til the final round

You're not going under

'Cause God is holding you right now

You might be down for a moment

Feeling like it's hopeless

That's when he reminds you

That you're an overcomer

You're an overcomer”

   I’ve spent lots of time hiding in the background over the years. I would shy away from pictures because I knew my smile was pretty fake. But I’ve fought hard. Oh boy, have I ever fought hard! Last week, we went to see the sunset at the beach, which has become my refuge. I call it “my happy place” because I truly feel like I can be me and I can just feel carefree. (Much of the time I don’t have a phone signal, or at least so a strong enough one to do much. 

   While Drew sat on the sidewalk at the edge of the beach, I ran through the sand to stick my toes in the frigid waters of Lake Michigan. On the way back up, I took a selfie. That selfie popped up on my watch a couple days ago. When I saw it, God said, “Do you see that face? That’s the face of joy...the face of an overcomer!” You know what? He’s right! I have overcome so much! I still have a long road to go. But I know I have two choices. 1. I can let depression control who I am, how I act, and how I respond to people. Or 2. I can control depression and choose to not allow it to master me. I can choose to say, “Satan, you’re NOT going to zap my joy!” 

I choose #2! Reach out to me if you need someone who understands and will care! 

I'm Not Peter Pan

    The other day I had a student ask me, "Mrs. Wohlford, do you ever wish you could be a kid again?" I just chuckled and said I didn't think I would want to be then moved on through my day. But I've been thinking about it and realize I do have a firm answer to that question. God told me I was supposed to write a blog post about it. I'm no eloquent writer, but here I go...

    Do I ever wish I could be a kid again? NO! Now, I can't say my childhood was bad. I had three older brothers who loved to make my life miserable but would go to great lengths to protect me from anyone else hurting me. I had parents who were always available when I needed them and grandparents, aunts and uncles who always showed their love to me in many ways. I grew up in a safe home, got new clothes for every school year (and I even loved all the ruffly ones my grandma made for me). I participated in Girl Scouts (where I learned to pitch a tent, build a campfire, cook over said fire, etc) and church youth group. My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles financially supported my summer missions trip to Brazil and my parents even took time off work to travel to Florida with my high school band/choir my senior year. I had a great childhood! But I'd never go back for anything!

   I started working a few months before I turned 16.  Two weeks before my 18th birthday, I left home to attend college a couple hours away. I didn't know at that time that I wouldn't move back into that house again. Three months before my 22nd birthday, I married my husband. So, since I've been 16, I've been working to provide for my own needs and then the needs of my husband and eventually my family. I've done more loads of laundry than I could ever count, made countless grocery lists, paid rent and utility bills, worked many hours at various jobs, nursed my husband and children through different illnesses and injuries, worked my way through college while raising teenagers so I could realize my dream of being a teacher, vacuumed way too many times to keep track of and washed enough dishes to feed an army for a week without reusing dishes. But I still wouldn't go back to being a child.

   {Editor's note: this paragraph does not apply to all children, but a large number of children} Kids today have so much pressure to perform. They're expected to be the best on the baseball, soccer or football field, behind their musical instrument, in the martial arts studio and in the classroom. They are nearly solving algebraic equations by fourth grade, are spelling words in third grade I didn't learn until at least fifth grade, and reading longer novels than I read in high school. They're inundated with information through social media, video games and cell phones (my thoughts on kids and social media/cell phones is a whole other post). They spend hours playing video games and minutes actually getting exercise or fresh air. Many don't even know how to find things to do outdoors and say they're bored. When I was a kid, my favorite toy was the outdoors. If there wasn't something to do, we made something up. All the playground equipment at recess was full? We went and made up a game. Kids today call my childhood boring. I call it blessed. I knew how to interact with people because all of my interactions with friends were face to face. We didn't have e-mail or cell phones. We couldn't be on the family's home phone long because there was no call waiting. We knew how to make friends and be friends. We knew how to respect everyone - teachers, neighbors, parents, bus drivers, cashiers, waitresses - everyone was treated with respect. No, I wouldn't want to be a child again today.

   So, I'll take my achy bones, my knees that make it hard to stand up when I kneel down to help a student, my back that screams every time I bend over, my feet that ache from standing too long. I'll take every wrinkle on my face and every gray strand of hair on my head. I've worked hard and lived to earn every one of them. The above will not be part of my answer to any student who ever asks me if I wish I could be a kid again. My answer will continue to be, "No, I don't want to be a kid again. If I was a kid, I wouldn't be able to be your teacher." However, I'd be glad to take a nap like kids can. I haven't had a nap in years. 🤣🤣

Please Hold

   I've gotten too good at feeling God directing me to write blog posts and pretending like I don't know what He's talking about. I convince myself that He certainly can't want me to write something. After all, I'm nowhere near as eloquent as other people who write. But then I'm reminded of Moses. God gave him a specific message but Moses resisted because he was "slow of speech and of tongue." He urged God to send Aaron instead. But God used Moses and I need to work on being open to Him using me even when I don't think I'm good enough. So, here goes...

   Many times, I hear people say things like "my world is falling apart", "God doesn't love me" and "I can do this on my own." I admit I've been guilty of all these and more. Sometimes I've uttered them in a span of less than five minutes. Let's be honest...when things seem to be going all wrong is right when we give up and assume God stopped loving us. We say we just need to hang in there awhile longer. Often times, when we're talking to people who are going through rough times, our response is, "Hang in there!" Perhaps we have this backwards.

   One of my favorite Casting Crowns songs is called "Just Be Held." Human nature is to be self-sufficient, to go it alone and be in control. However, we just aren't strong enough to handle everything life throws our way. The bad thing is that Satan knows that all too well. He's often quick to remind us. But if we're willing to let go of that rope we're clinging to, Jesus is there to hold onto us. The good news is He will never let go, no matter how many times we may kick and fight against Him.

Stop holding on and just be held!
💙Brenda

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

Just Be Held - Casting Crowns

 

Imagine

Tonight, Drew brought home a couple movies we’ve been wanting to see. The one we chose to watch tonight was I Can Only Imagine - the story of the well-known MercyMe song. I’m not normally good at doing anything while watching a movie because I get distracted and either miss the movie or don’t get my work done. Tonight I added in a third thing...and did all three well. While I was working on some work for school and watching the movie, I was also doing some thinking. Here goes:

As a little girl, I always had heaven pictured like the balcony at Cedar Road Missionary Church where I grew up. I really don’t know why. There was nothing particularly ethereal or grandiose about the space. But it was a space that was a big part of my life. I pictured Jesus standing underneath the wood arched ceiling. 

As I grew up, I imagined heaven looking more like a disco studio with bright gold streets and everything around me glittering. I saw Jesus with a glowing gold orb around his head. Just chalk it up to growing up in the 70s and 80s. 

As an adult, I seem to focus my attention more on what my reactions will be when I get to heaven rather than what it looks like. Clearly I’m not the only one. You see, I think we often like to think we know just how we’ll respond in any given situation. But entering heaven may not be so easy to predict. 

Oftentimes I’ve pictured entering heaven and running into the waiting arms of my grandparents. I’ve envisioned seeing my dear childhood friend again. I imagine sitting at the feet of Jesus asking him every question I’ve ever wanted to ask.

But then I realize I really don’t know what it will be like. I’d like to think I’ll walk right up to Jesus and thank him. I’d love to believe that I’ll worship openly in his presence. But the reality of it is that I’m sure I’ll be in such awe, captivated by his presence that I imagine myself being completely frozen. Kind of like if I ever had the chance to meet Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith or any other celebrity. 

The fact is, none of us know how we will act or feel when we enter the presence of Jesus. But one day we’ll all find out. Some of us will hear him say “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of my presence” while others will hear him say, “Away from me! I never knew you!” I know which group I’m in. Do you? If not, I’d love to chat with you! 

❤️ Brenda 

Such a Time as This

If I said my summer job has been a walk in the park, I’d be lying. It’s a lot of wear and tear on my body at times. It’s having to say no to people when my heart wants to help them. It’s knowing I’m completely different from my coworkers. There have been many days I’ve questioned my purpose in being there. There have been days I felt so unappreciated that I felt like giving up. But I don’t give up. Today, I found my purpose in being there. Today, with just two work days left before I get ready to go back to school, my purpose showed up.

Most of my coworkers are much younger than me. Only one is older. Today, one of the young girls came back from lunch in tears. Friends, let’s face it...sometimes life just stinks. Sometimes all the bad stuff hits at the same time. A few of us were at that point today. It was a rough day. You could feel it in the atmosphere. And this sweet young lady was hurting. She simply walked up to me and said, “Can I have a hug?” I hugged her and she simply wept. After a minute or so, I said, “Would you mind if I prayed for you? Because, you know that’s what I do.” She said she was fine with that so I did. We stood there hugging and crying together as I prayed.  Afterwards, she thanked me and I told her I needed that moment today. I admitted I was struggling to feel like I had a purpose there but had just found it.

Friends, if I’ve worked through this whole summer for 5 minutes on July 24, so be it. Those moments were so worth it. Your purpose may not be revealed to you right away, but God will put you in the right place to fulfill your purpose when He needs you too. Remember, Esther didn’t find out her purpose in becoming Queen immediately. She went through some struggles first. If you’re like me and struggling to see your purpose, hang tight! It’ll show up when you least expect it. 

Don’t Listen

Some days it’s hard to hear the still, small voice of Jesus as He whispers, “Peace. Be still.” Those whispers seem to be drowned out by shouts of criticism, doubt and dislike by people around us. Those shouts are tools of Satan that he uses to try and break us down and draw us away from a loving God. God has much bigger plans for us than to have Satan continually drag us down. 

I picture Satan dragging me through the mud by my hair, much like we’ve seen cavemen depicted as doing in movies and shows. Perhaps those cavewomen weren’t strong enough to reach out and grab a branch and resist. Maybe there wasn’t a branch within reach.

But I have a Vine that I can reach out to. He’s always within reach, if only I will stretch out my hand and grab onto His. He will always rescue me from Satan’s grasp.

There will always be people who will tell you you’re not good enough. But that’s a lie! Jesus died on the cross because we’re all good enough! You’re the apple of His eye. Nothing you’ve ever done or ever will do makes you worthy of His sacrifice. That’s why it’s called “grace” - it’s an undeserved gift. 

Don’t ever let people bring you down through their criticism. If they don’t like you, they can choose to stay away from you. Fact is, Jesus loves you and longs to spend time with you. Listen carefully- you’ll hear Him calling your name.

Fear is a Liar - Zach Williams

Stormy Weather

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He calms His child.

He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. Psalm 107:29

Wohlford, party of 2 has beeen stuck in a storm pattern for awhile now. Feeling like we just can’t get ahead financially, too many things to get done and not enough time, and now some fairly major health issues with Drew. Some days I just want to wave a white flag and shout, “I GIVE UP!!”

Life is hard. God never promised it would be easy. But He did promise He would never leave us or forsake us. Does that mean we can do anything we want and He will just with there and wait to bail us out? No!

But if we remain faithful to Him, He will remain faithful to us. He longs to give His children good gifts. He longs to bless us. But He won’t cater to our every desire when we’re complaining about the storm.

Over the past few weeks I’ve had plenty of chances I could have complained about the storm. I could have had a pity party. Ok...I’ll be honest and say I did a couple times. The storm seemed so dark. I just wanted to make sure God could still see me.

No, He hasn’t calmed this storm. In fact, it hasn’t really decreased in intensity. I won’t lie and say I’m not concerned. But I know God’s umbrella is huge and He will ride out this storm with us. 

God Knows

**I'm writing this more so that I can look back and remember...because sometimes even the hardest moments are worth remembering.**

   Monday, April 2, 2018 started just like any other Monday. I was on Spring Break, although I was going to spend that one day working at the pawn shop. Drew was going to work that day and then be on vacation so we could spend the rest of the week together. Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined what that evening and the coming days would bring. But God knew.
 
   Around 10:00, Drew sent me a text saying that he was struggling to get warm. He said he was shivering uncontrollably, sitting with his legs wrapped around a space heater, his coat and hood on. That's highly unusual for my husband. I assumed he was coming down with a 24 hour stomach bug. But God knew.

   About 1:00, I got a text from Drew telling me he was going to be going home as soon as his assistant manager could get there. That's extremely unusual for him. He never willingly takes off work just because he doesn't feel good. I still thought it was a stomach bug and thought he would sleep it off and we have a great week together. But God knew.

   He came home and slept while I continued through my work day. I was very excited to get home, get him feeling better and have fun together the rest of the week. We were going to go to the movies, get some yard work done, sleep in every day and stay up late every night. We had our week all planned. But God knew.

   When I came home from work, he was laying in bed. His cheeks were flushed and he was sweating. I asked how he was feeling. He said it was really hot in the house. I checked the thermostat and it was right where it normally is. I kissed his forehead and immediately knew he was running a fever. I took his temperature and it was 101.8. He tried getting up out of bed and could hardly walk. He said his leg was hurting. I took one look and could see why. It was bright red and quite swollen. I tried to talk him into a trip to the ER but he wouldn't go. (You know the old saying, "You can always tell a German but you can't tell him much.") He said he'd let me take him in the morning if it wasn't better but he was sure it would be. But God knew.

   Early Tuesday morning, he woke up and was nearly unable to walk. His leg was very swollen, incredibly sore and extremely red. He said he was ready for a trip to the ER. It took us awhile but we got ourselves dressed and ready to go. On our way out the door, he said we should take his phone charger "just in case" but was sure we'd just go to Memorial and be back in a few hours. But God knew.

God knew I'd sleep in a hospital chair for 10 nights (missing 3 tags)

   By the time we got to Memorial Hospital, there was no way Drew was going to walk into the ER. I went in and got a wheelchair to take him in. At this point, I really knew there was something significantly wrong. My sweet husband has always been good at smiling through the pain and making the most of everything. We thought we'd get it checked out, get some medication and be on our way. But God knew.

This was what it looked like in the ER

3 hours after arriving

   We didn't wait very long before being taken back to a room. Blood tests were ordered and we waited. After a short time, the doctor came in to say Drew had cellulitis and would be admitted for some IV antibiotics. We got settled into room 1128 around 2:00 and I left to come home for things for the night. We figured it would be IV antibiotics overnight and back home Wednesday morning. But God knew.

   When the nurse came in to give us some information, one thing she did was tell us what hospitalist was assigned to him. I was thrilled to find out it was going to be my best friend since childhood. We've known each other our entire lives and now she was going to be caring for the best man I could ever ask for. Knowing there are many hospitalists there, I was sure she wouldn't be his doctor. No one knew how much I hoped and prayed she would be. But God knew.

   Over the course of the next 10 days, we would meet some of the nicest nurses (and a couple crummy ones) and Patient Care Assistants we could have asked for. Of course, there were the midnight and 4:00am IV changes, the blood draws anytime between 2:00-4:00am, the weight and vitals checks at 5:00am and the constant noises that we're not used to hearing at home. The doctor came in every day and checked his leg. Her plan was to keep him on IV antibiotics until she saw some improvement and then switch him to oral antibiotics for 24 hours before sending him home. She was sure he would be discharged before she'd be off duty for a few days. We fully anticipated being home by Thursday or Friday at the very latest. But God knew.

Blister at 7:30PM

Blister at 8:00PM

   Wednesday evening we noticed what looked like a small blister, about the diameter of a dime that formed just below the knee. We let the nurse know and she contacted the doctor who ordered wound care for Thursday morning. Within 30 minutes, the blister had grown to the diameter of a quarter. Wound care came in on Thursday morning, drained the blister and put compression wraps on his leg.

   Friday we just relaxed for most of the day. Saturday I left to take my parents shopping. While I was gone, wound care came in to check Drew's leg. They scraped a lot of dead skin from the wound and redressed it. It was quite painful for Drew.

Post-scraping

   Sunday I went to church and live streamed the service for Drew. Even though he was in South Bend and I was in Elkhart, it was nice to know we were worshiping in the same service. "Spring break" came to an end and a new work week would begin the next morning.

   Each morning, I left the hospital bright and early to make the 30 minute drive to work. After the doctor came in, Drew would text me to let me know what she had to say. The first couple days it was pretty much the same news..."We have to stick with IV antibiotics. Keep it elevated." Wound care came in daily to change the bandages and check the wound. It was slowly improving but not quite as much as the doctor had hoped.

   Wednesday she said, "We'll see about starting oral antibiotics tomorrow." Thursday she decided to switch him from the IV to oral antibiotics. At this point, we decided we'd know he was coming home when they had him sign paperwork. But we were both so ready to be home. It was so hard to not get our hopes up.

His last nurse, Aaron and our favorite PCA, Maria

Discharge day

 Late Friday morning I got the news I'd been waiting for. Drew texted to tell me that the oral antibiotics were working well enough that he could go home! He would have to come back to the hospital every couple days for outpatient wound care. But that's certainly a small sacrifice to make to sleep in our own bed, relax in our living room and not have nurses coming in all hours of the night. So I happily went to the hospital, packed up nearly two weeks' worth of our personal belongings and we bid farewell to 11 South at Memorial Hospital. We made a stop to fill four new prescriptions, stopped for dinner and came home. Drew hadn't seen the inside of our home for nearly 11 days. He was beyond thrilled to be home and I was ecstatic to have him home! We know we still have a long road ahead of us. But we'll get through this together just like we've gotten through every hurdle we've faced. After all, in our wedding vows, we said "for better or worse, in sickness and in health..."

Thankful for well-wishes from many. 

Truck and flowers from Drew's sister

Balloons from Jon and his girlfriend

The visitor that got the biggest smile

   Over the course of those 11 days, we were so thankful for calls, texts, Facebook messages, cards and visits from may friends and family. He received a large plant from WWJP and a cute little truck with flowers from his sister, cards from Aunt Eleanor, Aunt Darlene and Uncle John, Aunt Rita and our friends at Electric Brew. He had visits from Pastor Mike, our kids and granddaughter, my parents, his mom and nephew, his sister, our friends Howie, Hubie and Peggy, Charles, Scott and Kerri, Byron, Eric and Serena, and YuYu. Our church family has held us up in prayer every step of the way. We're thankful to be part of such a great family of fellow believers. 

Plant from WWJP

    It's been a long couple weeks and I know the adventure isn't over. But we know that, as Hubie said, "God will pull you through if you can stand the pull." We know God had a purpose for allowing this to happen. We also know He had a reason to keep him in the hospital for so long. 

   *If you've read to the end, congratulations! I only wrote it so that I could look back in the future and be reminded that God knows long before we do. If we are faithful to Him, He will be faithful to us. May He always find me faithful. ❤Brenda (and Drew, too!) 💑

        

Persevering through pain

.

Loved walking "around the block" with my sweetie

 

 

 

We almost had an escapee. 

Beautiful & Wonderful

    Self-esteem is something I've struggled with most of my life. Being the youngest of four, I was always compared to my older brothers. "Why aren't you as smart as...?" "Why aren't you as athletic as...?" "Why aren't you as outgoing as...?". After awhile, I started to wonder if God truly made a mistake when He made me.

    As I got older, I knew I wasn't popular like other girls. I thought it was because I wasn't good enough. My closest friends were always girls at church. But only one of them went to school with me. School was rough because I felt alone. 

    While in college, I ended a toxic relationship. When I did, I was told, "You'll never find someone else to love you." and "You're not good enough for anyone." Stupidly I believed it. I'm thankful I left that relationship for someone who taught me my worth and never made me feel ugly or worthless. 

    Self-esteem is still something I sometimes struggle with. I always wonder how God can use me. I'm just a simple wife, mom, grandma, computer teacher...There's nothing I can do for God where I am. After all, I've made mistakes. I've sinned. I've tried to do things my own way rather than God's. Can I ever be good enough for Him?

    Tonight as I was working in the kitchen, I was playing my Hillsong United Radio station on Pandora. I had my own little worship time going. I'd have to stop washing a dish to raise my hands in praise or pause to wipe a tear from my eye as the worship overwhelmed my emotions. It's in those moments of deep worship that God seems to speak to me most audibly. I could write about dozens of songs that brought me to tears. But this one in particular really hit me. I've heard it countless times and it quickly became one of my favorite a few years ago when I first heard it. 

    Gungor, a husband and wife worship band, remind us that God can make beautiful things out of dust. After all, he made the trees and flowers out of nothing. Why should we expect anything less for our lives? Perhaps you need this reminder, too. I wanted to post a video with the lyrics. But then I saw the actual music video for the first time and, let me just say that you need to see this? Think you've fallen so far God can't redeem you? Think again! He's up to the challenge!

Beautiful Things by Gungor

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
❤ Brenda

Not Learning or Not Listening?

It's been awhile since I've posted. Whenever I realize I've gone long periods of time without posting, I always use the excuse that "God hasn't given me anything to write about" or "I haven't learned anything worth posting."

But today, God reminded me that He is always teaching me, guiding me, leading me. It's my job to listen and learn from things and circumstances around me. That means I've really been learning a lot and I've really had a lot worth writing about. But I missed it. I'm the only one to blame. I can't blame God for my ignorance. I can only blame myself.

So here is a list of some of the things I've learned but didn't realize I had and some things I should have written about but didn't think they were worthwhile enough. I need to remember that I don't write these blog posts to entertain, inform or teach anyone. I write them so I have something to look back on in the future and see what God taught me.

1. No matter how many things go wrong (or not the way I want them to), being upset or allowing that worry to fester won't help at all.
2. No matter how I feel on the inside getting up, dressing up and showing up is always the best option. It would be so easy to let pain get me down. But that just won't work. I'm better than that.

Denver (2.5yrs), Clara (2 months), Jonny (4yrs)
Our precious grandchildren

3. No matter how tired I may be or how rough my day may have been, the laughter and smile of a baby or child is enough to give me a boost...especially when it's my grandchild. (and I've had the pleasure of hearing all three of my grandchildren laugh and see them smile since my last post).
4. Getting dozens of hugs from students every morning is the best way to start a day!
5. Watching my children interact with their children is an incredible experience.

Denver, who may be praying it'll be time to play soon. 

Silly smiles with Jonny

6. It may have been 22 years since I've had a baby staying in my house for long periods of time. But I can still prepare a bottle, change a diaper, feed and burp a baby and get them back to sleep...all in the dark!
7. I love the sound of crunching leaves just as much as I always have.
8. The older I get, the less tolerant I am of cold weather. It's been in the 40s and I'm wearing layers. Weird!
9. I love creating assignments for students. It's nice to be able to use things I learned in college without having all the grading and parent-teacher conferences to worry about.
10. Nothing beats a quiet night at home with my husband.

May I pay more attention to what God is teaching me and showing me.

Brenda ♥

Abiding

   It's been awhile since I've posted anything. It's not that I haven't learned anything. It's that I'm stubborn and feel like the things I learn are maybe more just for me and no one else needs to know about them. Maybe other people don't think like me. Maybe other people have it all together more than I do. But God has been doing some big things in my faith walk lately...more specifically, in the past several days.

 
The past few days, I've felt like everyone or everything I prayed for got worse rather than better. I prayed for relationships of people around me but they seemed to disintegrate more, I prayed for healing for my daughter and she ended up in the hospital, I prayed for financial provision for people in need and they seemed to have even less, I prayed for more rest and went sleepless nights, I prayed for health for my husband and he developed one of the worst head colds he's had in a long time...I found myself certain that God didn't exist.

   Or did I even believe He actually existed? For a short time, I can honestly tell you I thought everything I had ever believed about God was a big lie. I verbally asked God why He created me just to sit and laugh at my frustration. (Yes, I thought God was a lie but I still found myself praying. I'm not saying I was at all rational in those moments!) I asked God to show me if He was actually there.

   And then God showed up! You see, all those lies that filled my head were from satan. He hates God's children He hates people who have faith. He hates people who pray. Why is it so easy to believe the lies of satan yet so hard to believe the truths of God? (If I'm the only one that feels that way, you can stop reading. You apparently have it all together.)

   Still here? Good! Let's continue. I continued to find myself praying, not fully convinced God exists, still feeling like He had no clue I was even there. But there was that part of me that knew that was my only hope. I remember a former pastor who used to say, "I'd rather live my life believing that there is a God and find out I was wrong than live my life believing there is no God and finding out there is!"

   So I prayed. I prayed for healing of relationships, I prayed for healing for my daughter, I prayed for financial provision, I prayed for rest, I prayed for my husband to be healthy. Relationships started to improve, my daughter got better and I was able to bring her home from the hospital, finances have been improving for many, I've gotten some rest (although not much because I had a newborn here for a few days) and while my husband hasn't gotten better, he doesn't seem to be getting worse.

   This morning, I let satan try to convince me to stay home from church. After all, I was very tired. Staying home one Sunday wouldn't be bad. I was ready to throw in the towel and stay home. But my daughter encouraged me to go. So, reluctantly I got my granddaughter and I dressed for church (matching outfits, no less!) and went to church.

   A friend needed encouragement that I was able to give. She may not have gotten that if I'd have stayed home. I heard a great sermon on how to pray for others. I would have missed it if I was in my recliner. And I wept as we sang my heart's cry. I'm talking full-blown almost sobbing at my seat, hand raised, heart crying out to Jesus.

Abide with me, abide with me

Don't let me fall, and don't let go

Walk with me, and never leave

Ever close, God, abide with me!

The dictionary says that "abide" means:

1.

to remain; continue; stay:

2.

to have one's abode; dwell; reside:

3.

to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; last.

My heart literally cried out to Jesus that he would remain, stat, reside, and continue in relationship with me. WOW! That's pretty intense, pretty powerful. At that moment, I truly realized that God will NEVER let me go. When God seems far away, He isn't the one that moved. May I never move away from Christ again!

❤ Brenda

Abide with Me by Matt Maher 

Stronger Together

You wouldn't think that looking at a tree would give you a story - a life lesson really. However, as we were walking through the woods Sunday, that very thing happened. We've seen it several times when we've walked there. But this time God really got me thinking.

 

Notice how the smaller branch is wrapped around the larger tree trunk. There are several trees that way. Some are wrapped for several feet of the tree. It's very intriguing. It's almost as if the smaller tree saw the bigger tree struggling to stand and reached out to hold it up. Or perhaps the smaller tree was struggling to take root and the larger tree urged its smaller friend to hang on tight for support. 

Now, I am well aware of the fact that trees don't talk. At least we can't hear them. But they're living creations. So perhaps in some way they do. 

Nonetheless, we humans are able to communicate. How often have you seen someone struggling and reached out to offer support? How many times have you held someone up in prayers, been a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, given someone a ride, a place to sleep for the night, shelter from a storm? The list goes on. On the other end, how many times has someone seen you struggling and reached out to support you? When I stop to think of the times people have helped us through our struggles, how dare I not offer to help someone else? I have two shoulders, two ears, a reliable car and I have a Friend Who hears my prayers.  Reach out to someone...and don't be afraid to let someone else help you when you need it. 

But encourage one another daily as long as it is called "Today," so that none of you may be hindered by sin's deceitfulness. Hebrews 3:13

❤Brenda 

2016 A Year in Review

December 30, 2016 - Did I seriously just type that date? Where in the world has 2016 gone? My Grandma used to say that time goes so much faster as you get older. I though she was crazy. Turns out she was right - again! That woman always knew what she was talking about!

What a year it's been! I'm going to try to recap. Ya know, people send out those family letters in their Christmas cards. While I read every single one of them we receive, I've never been much for typing one myself. So, I figured I'd give it a shot this year. I feel like I have so much to update and yet I don't know that there's really that much. But it sure feels like it's been a whirlwind year. 

We welcomed in 2016 as official empty-nesters. We had to learn how to just be us. For the first time in almost 23 years, we were "just us" in the house on our own. The quiet stillness took some getting used to. But now we love our quiet nights! It's been nice to reconnect and focus on us and our relationship. 

January and February moved right along with the normal winter blahs. We were ready to get out into the garden and spend time on our porch. But before that, our lives we changed in a moment. On March 17 in the wee hours of morning, Drew woke up throwing up large amount of blood. I rushed him to Memorial Hospital where we spent the next four days. After lots of blood tests and an endoscopy, it was discovered that he had "more ulcers than I can count" (to quote Dr. Oh) as well as a hiatal hernia. He went into the hospital not taking any prescription medications but would leave with two that he will take for the rest of his life. Our diet also had to completely be changed. That's not really a bad thing but it took some getting used to. We're a beef-eating family. Now we're limited to twice a month. Otherwise, it's turkey, chicken and lean pork. Nothing fried or spicy. Lots of vegetables. Perhaps the biggest thing was cutting out our Diet Coke. We were huge Diet Coke drinkers! Neither of us have had one since March. In fact, a few days after his hospital stay, we tried one. It tasted horrible! We haven't had a sip since. Drew had to take it easy for awhile until he regained his strength. But he's been so much more active with our new lifestyle. This hospital stay also brought us to a fantastic family physician. She's a wonderful Christian woman who is very caring and compassionate. While she points out things in our lives that need to be changed for our health, it never feels like she's condemning us for past mistakes. We're thankful for Dr. Frentz. 

June 8 we took our first trip to Saint Joseph, Michigan and immediately fell in love with this quaint little beach town! The lake is stunning, the beach is beautiful, the shops in town are tremendous, and we love the slower pace of life there. This was our first trip of many! I'm now Facebook friends with people we met over the summer, we've traveled up for the Saturday Farmer's Market, gone up to have dinner and watch the sunset and even made a rush trip, getting into town 15 minutes before the sunset and then got ice cream before coming back home. We spent more time on the road than we spent in town but it was so worth it! I don't know why we never went there before. I feel like so many years were wasted by not going. We'll definitely be back! After all, we have friends there now. 

This fall, we built a video shelf in Sarah's old room. It is floor to ceiling and wall to wall on one whole side. Yes, we have that many movies! No, we're not ashamed to admit that! We enjoy watching movies together. And we're pretty darned proud of our shelf!It turned out great and we had fun working together to build it. 

That project just wasn't enough for us. We decided to rearrange our living room. Living in a little 3-bedroom house that's less that 1,000 square feet with four people, it was always pretty cramped. Now that we have two extra rooms, we're able to put our office (which used to be in part of the living room) in Sarah's old room with the video shelf. Jon's old room will eventually be a guest room for when Drew's parents come to visit. So, we moved everything around and gave ourselves an amazing space to relax in. Now we hardly ever want to go anywhere!

Thanksgiving weekend, God told us it was time to go back "home" to our old church. So that Sunday morning, we found ourselves sitting at Bethany Missionary Church and feeling like we had never left. We were welcomed back with open arms and have really felt God moving in our hearts and lives in ways we haven't for quite some time. We're thankful for a loving church family who really seeks to lift others up. 

On the job front, Drew celebrated his one year anniversary as General Manager of Worldwide Jewelry and Pawn in Elkhart. It keep him very busy and he deals with quite a bit of stress. But he loves what he does. I'm proud to say he's able to help so many people through his job. He has a great team of employees working for him. 

In January, I was transferred from the learning lab where I had been working in to the computer lab as the computer teacher. I've had the opportunity to use many of my teaching skills in this position. I love going to work every day and being able to touch 600+ students every week! I not only get to teach students various computer skills (typing, research, etc) but get to enjoy watching them get their "aha" moments and have fun learning! I work with great teachers who are willing to entrust research projects and things to me. It's been a great transition!

Grandkids are growing like weeds! We've been able to make many memories with them! It's still odd to not have kids coming home at night, cooking for two, and not having to tell teenagers to quiet down so we can sleep. But we're blessed with each other and are thankful that God has given us another year to learn and grow closer to Him and to each other. 

May 2017 be another year full of blessings. Wishing you and yours a blessed New Year!

God Broke Me

   I usually try to read a book before I see the movie. But I did it backwards this time...by quite awhile. I saw the movie War Room soon after it came out. I didn't realize it was a book until a few weeks ago. I checked it out (through a cool app called Hoopla where I can get eBooks from my local library) and read it - rather quickly, I might add). While reading the book, God struck me with something - my prayer life stinks!! 

   Now, don't get me wrong. I pray daily. I pray throughout the day. However, my prayer life has become very complacent. I find myself praying the same way over and over...and my prayers are rather vague. I pray for lots of people, groups of people, etc. But I never mention anything specific in my prayers. But as a parent, I know I would always rather have my kids say, "Mom, I'd like a gift certificate to the movies for Christmas" than "Mom, I'd like a gift for Christmas." Specific requests are so much better. 

   As our Heavenly Father, God is no different. Rather than say, "God, be with John Doe today" I can pray, "God, be with John Doe as he goes through knee surgery. Guide the hands of the doctors..." Yes, God knows John Doe is having knee surgery. But He likes to hear His children tell Him what they want. So, I've changed how I pray. I come to Jesus like a child asking for the perfect Christmas gift. I tell my Father exactly what I'm looking for. I started a prayer journal to keep track of those times I say, "I'll pray for you" to someone. If I tell you I'll be praying for you, rest assured. I will be. Your name will be in my journal along with the specific request. And I use my journal when I go to prayer. Note: I don't have a room or closet I can use so my "War Room" is portable. 

   So, God started breaking me while reading a book over the past couple weeks. Today, I broke me to the point of tears. I was doing some housework before my husband came home from work and decided to listen to Pandora on my phone. I love the praise and worship station (and the Keith Green, Hillsong, Classic Hymn and Disney stations!) Today I was listening to the praise and worship station...and singing along rather loudly. Hey, I was in the privacy of my own home. Don't judge! Anyway, several songs into my listening, an old Matthew West song called "Motions." I've heard it hundreds of times. But today, I really listened to the lyrics as I sang along. 
                             

 I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?

   God really got me to thinking that I spend a lot of time going through the motions. I go to church, I sing the songs, I read my Bible, I pray. But do people see Him through me? I hate to say it, but I think my answer would have to be no. That little tidbit hit me right between the eyes! I've wasted so much time going through the motions. No more! If people don't see Christ in me, I'm doing it all wrong. May God help me as I strive to give Him my all!

   A couple songs later, God really broke me. Another song I've heard probably thousands of times, have sung in church and even used to know the sign language to came on. As I loudly sang the lyrics, God broke me to the point of sobbing tears as I cried out to Him and asked that this be true in my life. I stood in the middle of my kitchen, hands raised, tears flowing...and dish water running as I sobbed 4 feet away from the sink. 

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary

pure and hold, tried and true.

With thanksgiving, I'll be a living

sanctuary for you.

   Merriam-Webster gives this definition for the word 'sanctuary': a place where someone or something is protected or given shelter.

   Oh, God, may I be a place where You are given shelter. How welcoming have I been to Him though? I have to admit I haven't been as welcoming as I should be. That changes...today, now, forever! I will never again be the same. 

   Friends, I will never throw my "religion" down your throat. I will never guilt you into believing what I believe (of course, I've discussed my feelings on 'belief' in a past post. I do more than believe in Jesus. I follow Him, I worship Him, I choose to live for Him. I won't guilt you into it. But I sure as the world will do my best to introduce you to Him if you don't already know Him. Oh...and I'll be praying for you whether you like it or not!

Believer or Follower? Verbal Christian or Visible Christian?

God has placed several different thoughts in my head today. I'm trying to sort them all out to write a coherent blog post. But I've found that if I just start typing, God lets the words flow in the way He wants them to. So here goes...

   People are quick to say, "I'm a believer!" I realize that 95% of them are saying they're a believer in Christ. That's all well and good. But you can believe in anything. For example, I believe that pandas are the most beautiful animals in the world. I believe that sunflowers should grow in every garden. I believe that Brazil is the most beautiful country. The list goes on and on. I don't think that saying I believe in God is enough. The Bible points out that even pagans believe. No, I think we should strive to be followers of God. I choose to follow His plan for my life. If He directs me to do something or not do something, who am I to question? I've done that. It's called sin. It's a slippery slope and I will not step foot on that slope again! You won't hear me say I'm a believer. If you ask me if I'm a believer, I'll say no. I'll then go on to tell you that I'm a follower of Christ who has lots of things I believe. Don't merely be a believer. Be a follower!

   Secondly, I think we need to remember that we very well may be the only Jesus others will see. Many of us profess to be Christians. We have our "Religious Views" section on Facebook identifying us as a Christian. We wear cross necklaces, listen to Christian music and go to church. However, when people look at the way we live our lives, they see that's not likely the case. Friends, going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than sitting in a garage makes you a car. Show people you're a Christ follower! Do what His Word commands! Honor your parents, be devoted to your spouse, train up your children in the Word, be honest with those you do business with, etc. If people don't see you doing those kind of things, they may never meet the Jesus you profess to serve.

   Friends, I believe our time in this world may very well be short. In light of that, we need to follow the words of John Wesley: "Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. To all the people you can. As long as you ever can." Don't just tell people you follow Christ! Show them! Introduce them to Him! Time is short. Live it well.

Light the Lamps

I've been doing some thinking today. I remember having a friend who said, "Marriage is a lot like taking care of an oil lamp. It takes work to keep it going." I'm going to go one step further. In olden days, before electric street lights, there were gas lamps. One person's job was to keep the wicks trimmed. Someone else lit the lamps each night. A third person came through the next morning and snuffed out the lights. In marriage, it takes two to keep it going just like it took two to keep those lamps going. And a third person can snuff it out. If only the wick trimmer does his job, the lamps would remain dark. If there was no wick to light, the lamp lighter couldn't do his job. In marriage, we both need to work to keep things going strong. And we can let a third person or activity or anything else take over our marriage and snuff it out. But we can guard against that. Most marriage ceremonies end with the phrase "What God has joined together, let man not separate." Most also include the phrases, "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health." Marriage isn't easy. It takes work. But it's worth it! Take it from one who almost let hers be snuffed out.